Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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