I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
