I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
