I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
