My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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