i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you didnt know i had herpes?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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