After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
