i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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