PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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