Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
sex in a hospital.. check
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
