Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
