The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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