dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
