i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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