I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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