his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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