i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize