Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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