Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
this hospital has no fireball
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My life is pants optional.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
