I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
