my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
