The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
then he tried to convert me to islam
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
