Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
worst night to have a conscience
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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