I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize