My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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