You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My bed smells like the plague
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
