I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
