saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
