Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
