im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
