It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
