how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
