She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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