Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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