My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
