Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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