You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
