Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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