Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
