Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize