I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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