im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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