oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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