i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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