fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
