i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
