I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
