Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
