Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
