Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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