i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Even my vagina gasped.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize