Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
