Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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