I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
