I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
