shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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