Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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