i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
