Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize