I'm so fucking centered right now
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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