I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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