i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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