I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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