I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
