she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i think i just naturally attract stoners
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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