My sheets look like a crime scene.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
