i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
