dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
