I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
