Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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