Don't make out with my wife yet
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
