I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
