Where is the hickey?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize