Just fell off a train. Bad.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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