i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
